Actually an Artist

Have you heard of IFS? Internal Family Systems? I do a little (real little) bit of IFS work in Spiritual Direction. I appreciate the work because of its focus on our bodies, feelings, and immutable, beloved true Self. But also the day-to-day, ephemeral, frustrations, happiness, fears, and whims. As someone who has felt pulled in so many different (opposed?) directions, acknowledging these different parts of me while learning not to overly identify with any one of them has been the work of my adult life so far. Part of the changes to this blogspace and my mission (ministry? offering? business?) here is the integration of my own parts in service of my truest self, and radiating that outward. It’s a big job. I certainly don’t have it all figured out. Maybe this resonates with you–you’ll want to stick around because we’re on a journey.

One part of me became the strongest, most dominant around the start of middle school-the musician part of me. I was only a few years into piano studies, but something about it called deeply to me and garnered public attention and encouragement. That’s a strong motivating force for a young person! Another part of me was my visual artist self (an important distinction in this space!), which felt constantly frustrated by the disconnect between my inner Vision and outer production. I didn’t feel the same satisfaction and public encouragement when producing art as when I played music. A lot of that was internal; my family and community did actually support my artistic efforts! Perfectionism was ruling the day.

Eventually this gulf widened to the point that I all but gave up on the visual arts in high school. Music was taking over; I started organ lessons, took music history/theory classes, gave public recitals and played in church. My high school time was taken up with the demands of AP/IB coursework and playing music at as high a level as I could… Mix in lots of anxiety to push me forward. Not super sustainable, as it turned out.

I started refinding my inner (again, visual) artist self in my mid 20s. It was an important step in my inner healing from years of anxiety and depression. In preparing for my wedding back in 2014, my artistic husband and I designed our own wedding invitations. I did the calligraphy, he photoshopped/printed it. We sourced local artisan hand-made paper. I sewed my own wedding dress. Jake created the experience of the party and set up engagement photo shoots with the help of a tripod, beautiful scenery, and photo timers. (seriously, how adorable is that header image? That’s from one of our self-run engagement photoshoots!). After we were married, I had the opportunity to take some more art classes in various settings-nothing too in depth or “serious,” but more than enough to continue lighting that fire inside. We had a kid. My kids are my most special creations. You can argue over that, but I made them. I’m continually making them just as much as they’re making me. If Art is first of all transformational, then parenting is for sure artistic and I believe in embracing these possibilities.

Fast forwarding, I now know that my artistic part NEEDS more play time. I think making art is a birthright. I think my story of losing that part of me is all too common. Dr. Brené Brown wrote that as many as 85% of people in her research¹ reported shame stories surrounding their own learning – with half of those surrounding shame stifling their creativity. Sometimes, it’s a parent or trusted adult telling them ‘not to sing so loud.’ Maybe it’s a teacher giving a low grade to a creative work you poured yourself into, or comparing your work to someone else. A music lesson filled with guilt trips, comparison, and blame. That creative spark gets covered up and we deny a part of ourselves. That’s a big, lifelong wound that we cover up and make a part of our identity, as if it were helpful in getting us to where we are today, not creating for creating’s sake.

I’m on this journey to start being a better steward of all my parts. While yes, I’m here for self exploration, that involves ALL the parts, and an outward focus. I’m here to show up in my integrity for others as well. So I’m here also for community, outreach, and service. Which leads me to two final questions:

What is your creative roadblock? What is your creative flow?

1. Dare to Lead, Brown, Brené. page 132 ↩︎