I have dealt with anxiety and depression more or less for over 20 years now. I’m happier than ever, but that doesn’t mean they don’t loom in the background at times. There’s obviously some time missing in this writing prompt-the present, or Now. In my journey to self-acceptance and health, I’ve heard it said that depression is being stuck in the past and anxiety being stuck in the future. I definitely think there’s truth to this, although it’s not always so cut-and-dry. Sometimes my anxiety has very much been about my present, and my depression about the future. But also, those things have sometimes intermingled to a point of codependence and cohabitation, in a way that making distinctions is less helpful because it’s all one ecosystem-me.
A few years ago I committed to a daily meditation practice during a rather tumultuous time. Globally, Covid-19 was still hitting hard. My husband had lost his job and he was the sole provider at that time. I had started an online teaching business but I still wasn’t sure if it would be successful or sustainable. And we were dealing with other issues as well. Staying in the Now was absolutely something I needed desperately, and although I am not currently committed to a daily sit, even a few years later, I’m still better at staying grounded in Now than I used to be! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with thinking about the past. You learn a great deal and have the opportunity to reframe your previous stories about yourself and your life. That is incredibly powerful if we’re willing to look with honesty, compassion, and determination. Getting stuck in the past in the issue, when you’re plagued by a continual retelling of the same broken story and it doesn’t feel like there’s any hope to get out of it or get something from it. Thinking about the future is also very powerful-it’s how we set our goals, imagine new possibilities, and engage in discernment, or careful consideration of the Next Right Thing (as Glennon Doyle says). But much of what we imagine in that time doesn’t come to pass, and worries are very easy to encounter in such a state of mind. It’s easy to feel like everything we’re doing is a reaction to a past event… that has yet to come to be! I guess I see this reactivity to the past or future as much the same-it’s not necessarily guided by the Now which is what ungrounds us. Thinking about the past or future isn’t the same as (re)acting in the present to the past or the future. Meditation, therapy, self exploration and growth all allows us to interrupt the unconscious cycles of thought that jerk us in one direction or another of pattern repetition. Past, future, it’s the same if it’s causing automatic reactions to distinct events in the present.
Ultimately, my hope is to balance thinking about the past, present, and future. To be able to flow from one to another seamlessly as the need arises. I would definitely say I’m better at it than ever, but I could use some work on letting go and being ever more present in this exact moment. I’m aware of the chair I’m sitting on-the cushion underneath gently but firmly supporting me. The tuck of my legs under my laptop. My purple socks with a Jane Austen quote on them, keeping my feet warm. In the other room, my husband and daughter are amusing themselves while I take some time to myself. She’s meowing at the cats, a new skill for her. My body is comfortable if a little activated by all the coffee I drank this morning, but I’m evening out after a leisurely hourlong walk with my daughter and husband and the cold winter air. In this present moment I am not happy or sad or worried or agitated. I am simply comfortable and satisfied from looking at where I’ve been mentally and where I hope to go in this next year. I’m proud of this work, and although it has been excruciating at times, I’m here on the other side to tell you it’s worth it. My relationships, even my closest ones like my relationship with my husband, have changed, but that’s because we’re reorienting our mindset out of past vs future vs present into more of a balance. We’re not there yet, and that’s ok. If any of this speaks to you and how you’ve observed yourself operating in the past, what do you hope to see change? How do you think you might invite yourself into that journey? What might help you? Feel free to share if you’d like!
Actually an Artist 
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