Actually an Artist

Seriously, Bloganuary, you’re all over the place. Like, I could start this post and never stop. There’s way too much to cover when talking about what I could do differently.

Instead, I’ll have to just focus on one area I’m trying to do differently in: parenting. Actually, I think I’ll always be in a ‘do different’ era here. Patience is always a growing edge. Acceptance. Softening to what is right in front of me. The other night, it was nightmares and the boy trying to get into bed. Do we hold the boundary? Do we push past our ability to give what is being asked exactly how it’s being asked for? These are questions every parent has to answer for themself; what works for me isn’t universal and what works for you might push me over the edge. But what even works for me? I don’t know. So I’m trying to be more proactive in that. Do differently: catch my limit BEFORE I hit it and lose my cool.

Ugh, I’ve already shifted again–like I said, this post might never end.

I am also in the midst of what my post-church-job practicing life will look like. The other day, I saw an opportunity to sign up to play in public. Like, play in an organ concert with other organists. I really wanted to! Until I thought about it. I still want to, but I also want to intentionally give myself a break. Maybe I won’t practice at all. I’m trying to be different and allow that to be if it is. Maybe I’ll find things to practice for myself entirely. But I know that if I signed up for this event then I would be practicing something I already love but that doesn’t translate to practicing for me. My ‘career trajectory’ may completely change in the next few years. I’m trying to make that ok…

Although I care about self improvement, I care about sanity and not beating myself up any longer far more, which is why I don’t know that I have much more to say. So I’ll leave you with this. Last night my son really wanted to paint with me. I’m so glad we did, but I definitely had a lot of voices inside me that I had to keep to the side. The voices that I had when I was a kid, learning about art, that overwhelmed and shut me down. They were back, but this time I was the adult and I kept me and him safe. Next time, I’d love to have an even freer time making art with him. I took a timelapse of our work together. He actually wanted me to. So here’s a 20 second glimpse into our little process. I must not have messed it up because he’s begging me to paint with him again today. Unfortunately, I have work. But maybe this evening. Hopefully the baby will go down early 🙂