Didn’t we just have this question a few months ago? Like, I understand it takes a lot to think up these prompts, but I answered a very similar question a few short months ago. Please check it out before reading on! 🙂
I’ve definitely had a few iterations of these answers over the years. A couple of years ago, my answer would have been “I’m most scared to have another kid” (go through another birth!). My first birth was traumatic, and the prospect of retraumatizing myself to have another kid seemed impossible. What it took for us to take that leap was a lot of self-work and work as a couple to face the situation in a different way. What it took was knowing that Jake and I were not the same people who showed up to Theo’s birth scared and afraid to advocate for the experience we wanted and needed to have. Throughout my pregnancy with Juniper, we talked and processed and planned and accepted our ultimate lack of control on the actual birth day. But when it happened, we were controlling what we could-how we moved through the process, and accepting what we couldn’t-specifically how it unfolded and how fast it was going. Jake was by my side, dancing with me, letting me squeeze his hand black and blue, and reminding me to breathe. Our doula was encouraging us both (an important member of the team when birth trauma is in your background!), and ultimately we had had the therapy and connection to know that we weren’t going into the situation the same way we went into the first birth. We BOTH needed to know we were different to take that scary step.
A few months ago, I would have told you I was most scared to quit my job. Being an organist was and is still a major part of my identity. I’ve been playing organ for over 20 years after all! But it’s not the only part of me despite taking an outsized portion of my energy. I felt stuck in a situation where I didn’t want to spend more energy practicing and performing, but I was not playing up to the level that I wanted to be at. It’s very frustrating when you’ve studied art, music, or really anything, to a high level and you’re being expected to cut corners and just do the bare minimum. Because of budget (I’ve never been paid my worth, ever), time/availability (being a mom comes first, period!), and desired repertoire, I really didn’t feel inspired or supported to do my best. And I was tired of it! If I’m going to play, I want to play well. I want to actually feel proud of what I’m doing. But I didn’t want to be doing it, and I kind of have this thing with not doing things I don’t want to do. Not in a selfish or spoiled way, but in a ‘this is no longer for me’ sort of way. So after a very tumultuous week knowing what I needed to do but being afraid to lose that connection to organ, my career, my salary, I gave notice. I didn’t really have all the practical ideas in place of how we’d make it work. But we have a lot of privilege. We bought our house in 2020 when it was CHEAP, we don’t have that much else for monthly expenses, and we both have well-paying self employment gigs. There’s not a huge safety net there, but we have one. And that should be case for everyone in this society.
Right now, I’m not feeling too afraid to do anything. I’m more just waiting my time and feeling out what’s right for me in this moment. So I’m afraid I don’t have too good of an answer for this prompt. I’m feeling pretty good. Maybe it’s just the baggage dropping now that my organist duties have officially ended. It was really a lot of mental energy I had tied up there, and I’ve definitely been aware of how tired I am this week just being finished. My body needs some time to rest, and so does my mind. Rest is a privilege, and I don’t want anyone to think that our society is set up to alot rest and space equally. We have virtually no safety net for those who are at risk of poverty. Homelessness is intentional. Inequality in education is intentional. Income inequality is intentional. This system is broken. I want to be a part of the solution. I’m lucky-I’m doing the things traditionally considered “scary” because we have some degree of help and support and a safety net. But I’m not special. Others deserve this opportunity too. We need to Add Money.
Actually an Artist 
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