“Perfect” and “Community” probably don’t go together, but here we are. I have no one but my past self to blame, and we need to not do that. But I think about these things, in no particular order:
Authenticity
Vulnerability
Caring
Unafraid
Holds tension without anxiety
Loving
Boundaried
Authenticity: it is so important to me to be able to show up as my authentic self, and I want that from others as well. I haven’t always had relationships built on authenticity, and certainly not where I work (which, if you haven’t been following me, has usually been in churches as music director). In fact, I’ve been in some places where anything touching on authenticity and vulnerability instantly sent people into a tailspin. Really, it was no fault of their own; there were *issues* that had been harming the community as a whole for a long time before I came along. Which brings me to ‘unafraid’. To be in authentic community, one must be willing to do the hard thing sometimes, especially for us people-pleasing types who have visceral reactions to standing up for ourselves or otherwise ‘causing’ conflict. My ‘perfect’ community would be senselessly brave and willing to risk it all if that was warranted. To throw longevity and preservation of the group out the window in favor of preservation of the people in the community. And boy, that’s a scary thing. That also plays into the next thing, holding tension without anxiety. If we are anxious, we are likely to try to control people and situations. It’s never a good sign when I try to control something. And same for others, I think. Control is the opposite of trust, and to be authentic with someone, we have to trust them. And if that causes us anxiety, it might be worth examining the feeling rather than acting in fear. I’ll get to this all again-it’s an important theme!
Caring and Loving hopefully speak for themselves, but in case they don’t: we all need people who are active in showing love. Who know when we’re sick or our kids are going through a rough patch or can bring us a dinner or even organize a meal train. Because we all hit those times in life. We share the happy times too, like the birth of a child. And then having others around is joyous. But sometimes it’s also a really, really, really hard time, and we especially need a community to lean on and fall into. “Beloved community” is a phrase often used for the sort of deeply personal, loving and caring bonds that unite a group.
I’m seeing people waking up, being in relationship, grieving together, raging together, marching together, reimagining their own area of public life, their own sphere of influence in ways that I never imagined possible before. In those acts, in those moments and those gatherings around fierce love, I feel like I see glimpses of the nation, the world, that is wanting to be born.…
If we can create and nurture and inspire more and more of those containers, every school, every home, every workplace, every church, every house of worship, every neighborhood can become a pocket of that kind of beloved community, because this love stuff is not saintly. It’s practical. It’s pragmatic.
Valarie Kaur, Podcast, Love Period
Did you ever do those ‘trust falls’ at summer camp? I remember them on the ‘low ropes’ course at the camp near where I grew up. There weren’t many (or any?) ropes. It was a challenge course and I ate those up- both the low ropes and high ropes. In my opinion, it was the best part of summer camp (maybe capture the flag tied). Well anyway, my image of community coming together is the image of falling into a crowd and being held up. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with a trusted few, and in turn being part of the puzzle holding up another. Although I have no particular experience with crowdsurfing, I think one reason why big music events or sports events draw so many people is because of the shared purpose and feeling of connection. Being roused to a point of jumping into a crowd, trusting it will catch you, is comparable to being drawn into letting someone into your heart in an act of vulnerable sharing.
Our willingness to be vulnerable is directly in proportion to the health of our boundaries. That’s why we need boundaried communities. If we’re going to care about one another, if we’re going to be authentic, then we have to have a strong sense of community boundaries AND personal boundaries. We have to be unafraid to bring things up when boundaries are crossed. This requires a level of emotional maturity I don’t know that we see often, but that can change. I think the resilience surrounding negotiating boundaries and acceptance of getting it wrong sometimes is simply something most churches have decided is Not Worth It. Because it could upset someone so much they leave, and if they leave they take their money and our security with them. As a church staff member, I’ve observed this sort of thing repeatedly. Most recently in relation to COVID era choices about group safety and members pushing back strongly. It struck me as so immature and afraid. Both sides were projecting their fears against the other instead of accepting them-some had fears of getting sick and some fears of disconnection and disruption. Self awareness, empathy, and a tolerance for discomfort is absolutely essential on the messy road heading to boundaried, healthy relationships. Maybe it’s possible for a small group to foster this sort of community, maybe not often. I don’t know that I have much hope for large groups to be able to wade into the fray. I wish it could be though.
In building the emotional intelligence necessary for deeper connections, a tool I’ve learned from Dr. Brené Brown is the simple script: “The story I’m telling myself…” followed by what’s bothering you. A lot of her work in recent years has been in building resilient, creative teams, and her resources for that work are invaluable to anyone who wants to build or even just be a part of a brave, daring, and caring community. This one simple preface to bringing up an issue is so powerful because it simultaneously helps us speak up for ourselves while inviting connection. If you start from a place of self awareness and curiosity, ‘I am telling myself this‘ then the other party is invited to that as well: ‘I thought it was that‘. Maybe they see themselves reflected in the mirror you’ve offered. Maybe the mirror is warped and you can come to a place of seeing that, too. I appreciate that a lot of Brown’s work is in improving the work realm, but that’s not what I’m looking for in a ‘perfect’ community. I’m looking for something that is more like a neighborhood or church. A community that lives together and believes in something better, together. Applying the group principles that Brown has put forth in corporate and other for-profit (or more specifically ‘we’re all here because we were hired’) environments. It’s great to talk about making work teams more creative, resilient, and able to confront and have the hard conversations, and it would be amazing if we could see this research in seminaries, churches, and faith organizations. So much of what Dr. Brené Brown is advocating sounds so much more like creating beloved community than what (some) religious groups are trying to push. Accepting. Brave. Forgiving. Loving. Boundaried.
What would you add?
Actually an Artist 
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