I formed my identity as musician pretty early on. Even when I was such a beginner, it was something that transported me somewhere else and expressed something nascent within me. Something that needed out. I don’t play as much now. I mean to, but I have a lot going on these days. But more it’s still, such a loaded thing for me. My whole identity was musician and my whole self worth was predicated on how I played, which does not help one play better. My whole worthiness in front of others was predicated on how I performed, and it was performance in every sense. It wasn’t just musical expression, it was also performance of social expectations and roles and following the rules.
I’m in a better place with my self now, but I do not know where music fits in all of this. I quit playing in church in order to deconstruct and delineate some of this toxic baggage and my self. I have a better sense of what I want to do, but I do not have much of a better sense of my musical interests. I love teaching. That isn’t changing. I keep getting gigs and subbing opportunities, but I am not excited about it. Or I am, but not enough to send me skipping to practice. Is that too much to wish for? I do not know. I wish I could find that joy in practicing and an ease in maintaining a regular practice schedule. Maybe it’s there, just hiding behind the ten thousand other things I do. I am clear on my priorities: family, husband, kids, cats, my family of origin, my studies, my work. Perhaps I am just ‘full up’. I wrote about music this past week and how it has been beautiful and hard, a force of good, joy, and belonging, and that somewhere along the way, that changed.
I spent some time practicing yesterday and noticed how comforting it felt. I maybe played 15 total minutes. That felt both reassuring and woefully insufficient. I used to practice hours a day. But my fingers still work. Better than they used to, in fact, because I come to it with less weight on my shoulders. I have a gig in a few short weeks, and I’ll be ready, despite myself. This stage can’t be avoided, sadly. I wish I could push through this messy middle. I try to ignore it and avoid it by not practicing. Then I accept another gig, practice, and find myself smacked in the face in the same place. All I can do is trust that the gentle shifts I need done are happening in the background. I can’t see the fruits of this transformation yet. I grate against that need for patience. I can force it if I like; put myself out there more, assign myself required practice sessions. Where would that land me? It would be a fast track backwards. No, I have to just slog through it. Creativity builds in the hidden places of my psyche.
Actually an Artist 
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