Actually an Artist

A major part of my identity has been forged in being an organist. An organist always works in and for a church, and almost exclusively plays music relating to church music, worship, and Christianity. That sort of rigid worldview dominated my early self-making. Then it became my academic studies as an Organ Performance major at Oberlin Conservatory, Ohio, over to France where I studied for two years, then back and organ playing became my profession as a music director and organist serving in various capacities. I celebrated fine music in fancy cathedrals and felt a bit of shame that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be a part of it. I badgered and belittled the contribution I did have, bullying myself to practice past the point of repetitive stress injuries. I’ve been unmaking that worldview ever since. The cards slowly fell, then quickly. As my musician self underwent deconstruction, so did my church and religious self, as the whole was so intermingled I couldn’t authentically just chop off one part and declare the rest Good. No, my conception of Church has deconstructed just as my identity has. So yesterday as I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, I was also thinking about all the changes coming up for me personally and professionally. Then, Richard Rohr shared this quote:

Yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that. You cannot hold on to the old all the while declaring that you want something new. The old will defy the new, the old will deny the new, the old will decry the new. There is only one way to bring in the new: you must make room for it.

Neale Donald Walsch

At first, this quote hit me like a ton of bricks because it perfectly spoke to my recent angst about jobs and career. But then, later in the day, it struck me a different way. Essentially what happened was the organist/fine musician world that I’m a part of went viral CRAZY over news that the Washington National Cathedral was going to charge 7$/person for tickets to attend Christmas Eve services there. Understandably, people were outraged that there would be ANY sort of gatekeeping for a worship service. Critiques centered around poverty and accessibility, as well as philosophical/theological reasons why this was a Bad Idea. Ever heard of indulgences? Well, apparently the budget minders who (I think) were (likely) the ones to put up this paywall hadn’t either. By this morning (Tuesday, November 28, 2023), the Cathedral had shifted course and called the 7$ a ‘processing fee donation’ and given people the option to get tickets for free. This is being heralded as a positive development, a good response to the criticism sparked in the past twenty-four hours. In their response, they said that they have very strict capacity numbers and the ticketing system costs money to run. So this policy was intended to defray that cost.

Frankly, this whole thing hits me pretty flat. Being a church employee has sat me in plenty of ministry vs. budget meetings. The scarcity mindset in churches is one of the things I’m most allergic to now, and so when I found out they were (essentially) charging for a big, popular, ‘fine musical experience’ I wasn’t too shocked or surprised. I imagined anxious discussions of church budgets and tithing and staffing. As cynical I am about the veracity of these fears, I am sure there is, on occasion, an actual budgetary reason for any monetary/ministry decisions and cuts. But I am not sure I have ever seen one. As the lowly music director that may have been above my pay grade (which was, frankly, always too low…) to be privy to. What I have instead experienced is a litany of reasons why my pay was so low.

• [Other Staff Member] might get ordained, and then we’d need to pay them more (so you can’t get more)
• The membership has diminished a lot… OR the building needs XYZ, so we can’t give cost of living increases this year (3%? Really?!)
• We’re worried about the potential denominational split this year, so we’re not adjusting the budget
• We already give you more than you’d make at all other churches in this area
• We can’t draw that much on the endowment

I also grew up in a church-worker as the main earner family. My mom was the Director of Christian Education, a full time employee with benefits but a salary so low you could barely raise a family on it. I say that because I lived it. What was the salary of the pastorS and music director? Not that low, I can tell you. I grew up in the unequal distribution of funds and unequal valuation of spiritual gifts and contributions. Pastors with sports cars. Or just ones able to buy their own home. I definitely grew up a bit jealous. My mom contributed just as fervently to the church’s mission as any other employee, but churches have a long tradition and habit of prioritizing the traditionally male positions and deprioritizing the positions both in stature and funding, such as educator, that were traditionally held by women. Heather, this sounds like society at large: doctors vs nurses, administrators vs teachers. YES, YES IT DOES. The church is not separate from the foibles and systemic inequalities of our patriarchal, hierarchical western society. And we are afraid, terrified even, of doing the necessary work and making the changes to tear all that down. Essentially, it all boils down to preserving the institution.

Our opening quote from Neale Donald Walsch, “the old will defy the new, the old will deny the new, the old will decry the new” is striking me so strongly in this whole Cathedral ticketing for worship controversy. In my view, the National Cathedral saw a problem: revenue going down (I’m assuming, since it’s at every church ever) and the cost of the online ticketing fees are rising. Old Way: big Christmas eve services with all the ‘smells and bells,’ (referring to high liturgical services with incense and the ringing of bells at certain parts of the mass, if you’re not familiar with this sort of a service). Old Way draws in large crowds, as evidenced by all the repeat services and the need for some sort of crowd control. To preserve the Old Way, the institution enacts a fee structure to maintain itself: its staff, instruments, building. Don’t get me wrong: the staff is extremely well trained and deserve fair compensation! The big big churches are one of the few places a musician can receive a fair wage, to be frank. But that doesn’t make it accessible, or God-centered, or transformative. It doesn’t make the Old Way worth preserving.

Here’s where I get stuck in a bind. I really really do love fine music. I love beauty and worship and the organ. If I were in D.C. or London, or New York for Christmas, I would definitely want to be in a high liturgical setting with incense and anointing of oil and hymns sung in harmony with descants and slushy chords. That’s almost certainly why the organist/sacred musician world blew up when finding out that the Cathedral was charging for these services-we (almost) all love the tradition of this specific liturgy and music. It’s a fantastic show, or worship service. Take your pick which you think it functions more as. But there has got to be a better way of doing and being church. Of being a vulnerable, broken, loving, and caring community. This… isn’t it. I’m not picking on the Washington National Cathedral-I think this about EVERY church save one that I’ve been a part of. The Old Way of disconnection and show is just on more public display in this recent gaff.

So to find the New Way, I have personally decided to end my current level of participation in the old way. At least the old way that I’ve been a part of it, so I’m leaving working in churches, at least as a musician. I really don’t know what the new is going to be. Many writers, pastors, and theologians have been wondering the same thing for decades now. I think particularly about Rachel Held Evans in her book Searching for Sunday. Her deconstruction came from a different place than mine, but ultimately I think we’re in the same boat; we just want love and connection and authenticity to lead. Our institutional church may offer some pretty music, but rarely is it offering changed lives. As evidenced by the similarities in general society and the similarities in church society, we’re not transforming the way we are supposed to. To me, that transformation is spiritual: non-duality of thought, ever growing compassion, recognizing our union with the Divine. Religion might be concerned with seating arrangements and tithing and budgets, but spirituality is concerned with interdependence and connection. We get glimpses of that in the Old Way I’ve described here. But I’m tired of just glimpses! I want the whole thing; a community doing transformed life together, not checking tickets at the door.