Actually an Artist

Where I’ve been and Where I’m going

Although the year began a few short weeks ago, only now am I really stepping into my new thing for 2024. I left a job this past week. While I enjoyed playing music and meeting people at the church I was serving, their theology and mine, as well as my musical preferences and theirs, were just quite mismatched. Ultimately, I knew I needed to step away in order to give myself the space to explore my own connection to the Divine. Both as a means of accountability and also to invite you to do your own spiritual inventory, here’s what I’m sensing is going to be up next for me in this new year.

What to do about Sunday

I have two kids and a partner who has his own beliefs that don’t include going to church. Before my parents moved for their own work opportunities, they were bringing my older kid to church. They were sort of taking charge for his weekly connection to faith community and honestly I was so busy I wasn’t always doing much faith formation at home. Even before they left, however, I was in a bind about what to do about Sunday and how to parent my kids into a loving, inclusive, and radically accepting Christian faith. Because I was feeling spread thin from working two jobs and having two kids and trying to get a new thing going, sometimes faith formation did take a backseat. And although I love the church, I also have a lot of church wounds. I’m angry still sometimes, wary other times, but ultimately I’m not convinced I should keep away. At times in this past year, I was a little worried that if I walked away from my job, I’d end up out of the church completely. It was almost a thought experiment-‘would this really be a bad thing?’ I brought it up with my spiritual director and we held that as a possibility. But the important thing about spiritual directors is they don’t tell you what to do or judge you. She has zero stakes in whether I step into a church building ever again, and every stake in supporting me and helping me find my connection to the Divine, whatever that looks like for me. Because of those questions though, I was about to think harder about leaving my job and what I would want it to look like if I did. Turns out, I have a few small churches that I’m rather fond of and that I’m not going to work for. I want to explore keeping my connection simple… Really, I want to go, have my children loved on (as I know they have been at these communities in the past!), model an appreciation for Christian community and love of God, and then come home and have other spiritually grounding practices. My answer (these days!) to the question of Sunday is to embrace it, but not rely too heavily on it. I hope that will change and evolve, because I know this is partly because of my past religious trauma. It’s not been a full week since I left my job, and I’m really looking forward to going to church with my kids and for myself, not to play music.

Child-Centered Faith Exploration

I don’t quote Biblical scripture often on this blog, but here we go:

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Matthew 19:14

My own spiritual journey has been deeply influenced by becoming a parent in 2017. I went into it not fully comprehending the depths of change childbirth would open me to. Practically speaking, I had a fair bit figured out, sure. We had the apartment and the gear. Some basic baby care education And lifestyle wise, a baby fit in ok. We weren’t exactly out and about type people so being home was a pretty easy transition. But being with a baby was a much harder transition. Most importantly, the early months were a major struggle, from feeding to sleep to recovery and emotional turmoil at every point. Struggle tends to introduce possibilities and lessons beyond just the immediate difficulty. Deep, emotional struggle is ripe ground for spiritual growth and discovery, and quite accidentally that’s what has happened to me.

Once I recognized and accepted that I was now in possession of fertile spiritual soil, I knew that the ones that got me that land were the ones leading me in caring for it. While yes, I think this above quoted scripture is, in part, referring to the literal introduction of children to Jesus, I also think it’s telling us that a child’s mindset and priorities are actually what this life is all about. How else does the Kingdom of God belong to ‘such as these’? A week ago, my son was obsessed with this Highlights word puzzle book my brother sent him for his birthday. Word scrambles, picture searches, silly games, just lots of fun kid things. Well, he took it to school, and a few days later I asked Theo if he wanted to do it. He said he’d given it to a friend at school! I was shocked because giving up a beloved activity book like this would never occur to me… But here he’s telling me he thought she wanted it so he gave it to her without any sense of missing it himself. The thing is, this happens a lot at his school. He’s come home a number of times with little trinkets other kids have given to him, and when it was his turn, he didn’t just share but he basically shared his most prized possession. Is that not in the Bible somewhere, in a parable of Jesus?! That’s radical generosity modeled by a 6 year old. I need that mindset. I could tell by how I reacted inwardly just how wide a gulf there was between my mindset and his when he was telling me about this.

The Beginner’s Mind

In Buddhism, there’s a concept called the beginner’s mind, the ability to shed the preconceptions given to us by culture. Instead, you learn to contemplate something without the baggage, to deconstruct that baggage as you cultivate your mindset. Children are already lacking in the preconceptions one must shed in order to cultivate a beginner’s mind. There’s a Knowing that is also an Unknowing which children naturally possess and that we adults can embrace. It’s shedding the ennui, angst, jadedness, and rationality of our adult thinking.

In the summer 2021, we took a number of camping trips me, Jake, and our then-three-year-old Theo. I don’t remember if it was the first or second trip at the nearby national park, but we were hiking and all of a sudden Theo plopped down in the trail and started playing with the sand. In this spot, for some reason, the trail had a nice bit of excellent-feeling sand. Smooth, little debris, still all gathered together. It hadn’t eroded away or spread out. We could have moved him along to “explore” on the trail, but wasn’t he already exploring? This spot here was different. It felt good. It was inspiring wonder and delight, and wasn’t that why we were camping anyway? To get into nature, to experience wonder and delight? It’s so easy as a parent to think, we need to Go. We need to Accomplish what we set out to Do. But children don’t need any of those expectations to learn and delight, wonder and grow. There’s nothing objectively better about the remaining part of the trail compared to that spot with the sand. And don’t the little things matter, too? For me, it’s a spiritual lesson because it’s about letting go and allowing myself to be led by my kids. To enter into their world, deepen our connection, and see their world through their eyes. It’s about embracing the beginner’s mind, shedding my preconceptions formed by a society obsessed with rationality and dualistic thinking, and remaining radically in the present moment.

More Creative Play

My last big goal this year is to make space for more creative play in my life. Music has dominated my time and energy since I was about 15 years old, likely earlier, but that’s when I started organ lessons. But I’ve had relatively little time to really explore music, improvise what I like, and just delight in the process. It’s always been about the product. About playing a good church service or a concert. Or preparing for a masterclass or recording. These are the products I was producing and shaming myself for feeling burnt out and underprepared at the same time. What if I could just sit down and let my fingers lead me around the same way my kids lead me around other times? Or ‘paint’ with the keys the way I pick a brush and color and put forms on paper? So long as I was committed to playing every Sunday, I was unable to spare the time for these explorations. What would happen if I sit down at the organ or piano purely and exclusively for my own enjoyment? It’s been years of playing, and honestly, I don’t know.

Similarly, I want to be intentional about making art without any ‘performance’ expectations. The process is the point, not the product. And paradoxically, when I approach my artmaking from this standpoint, I am almost ALWAYS happier with the end result. At some point in my early childhood, I decided perfectionism was the way to go, and as I tried harder to be perfect, my creativity and enjoyment vanished more and more. I don’t think I’m particularly unique in finding myself in this problem, either. I think a lot of us adults gave up on our childhood creative endeavors because we were afraid of doing something not right or not very well. Or we got busy and the simple joy of making something got crowded out by bills and obligations and other “rational” pursuits. Play and creativity is another way into the beginner’s mind when viewed as a way to counter the rational, tired, boring adult mind.

Following My Path

This is all a little snapshot of where I’ve been and how it’s put me in the place where I am now. I hope 2024 will be a year of rich spiritual growth, and I’m hopeful that I will find the right way for me to bring that to my wider community. It’s definitely an act of faith stepping out onto your path. I can’t see for sure where I’ll be in 12 11 months, but I am hopeful. As long as I’ve been present for my family and my need for creativity and connection, I think it will have been a successful year. We all deserve that sort of space to explore. If you’re looking to deepen your relationships to your self, community, divine, and nature, I hope you’ll stick around, because these relationships are what I’m all about here. I’d love it if you shared below!